{GUILTY} Moms

I wrote this blog post a few months ago before all the craziness of opening a bridal store happened. It was revised and used at a Releif Society activity about a month ago where it was met with many women thanking me for stating how they felt. After being reminded of that yesterday by someone I thought I should probably get it posted. Enjoy!

Every other weekend it is my  “weekend off”.  This is the time I have when my kids are with their dad and I get to recoup. It is two days every other weekend when I morph back into what I consider to be a normal human being. This transition doesn’t happen instantly.  It takes at least three hours of not hearing my name constantly yelled before I am able to feel my blood pressure stabilize, and my brain frees up enough space to think about more than what’s going on the dinner table next.

On one of these weekends Troy and I walked into Red Robin. Walking out as we were walking in was a mom. She appeared to be with three little kids (by herself) and her face was the picture of contentment, peace, and happiness. I did a double take as she passed. Women like this are mythical creatures to me. I raised my thoughts to my sweet husband and asked him however anyone could walk out of a restaurant with little kids after dining out and be SMILING? I can see smiling that the meal was survived, or smiling that perhaps no one had killed each other. But looking happy, peaceful, AND smiling…that I just don’t comprehend after such an event. Troy proclaimed that he understood, that he could take little kids out to eat or wherever for that matter and feel the way that woman looked. It was then that I realized what I had known all along…I was married to one of these mythical creatures, just in male form.

It was this event that started my reflection on motherhood. Why was I not born with this innate ability to care for children with endless patience and eternal perspective?  Why am I not giddy with excitement to help kids with lemonade stands, make boondoggles, or figure out how to make crocodile origami as we are instructed on YouTube? (You’d think it would be easy to watch someone do it and follow suit. It’s not, enough said.)

Why do I give everything I’m capable of but still feel like I haven’t done it well enough?

I love my children more than anything, and I love spending time with them. The moments that they are away from me solidify these feelings each time.  As much as I love them, some days I just want to take a nap. Some days I‘d rather watch what I want on TV without people all over me. Some days I just can’t handle the thought of cooking something only to have it be rejected by 50% of my diners. Some days I’d rather just fold the laundry myself because it’s easier than dozens of teaching moments. On these days I nap, I watch what I want on TV, I tell the kids to eat cereal or a sandwich, and I do the laundry myself.

 At the end of that day I feel GUILT. The big 5 letter G word that pops up again, and again. This is something I’ve been working on and have a new understanding about. Guilt is not something that comes from our Heavenly Father. It is a tool Satan uses to keep us trapped and to keep us from progressing. Instead of focusing on what we can do better and moving forward we wallow in our imperfectness and stay there. We stay there and watch all the seemingly perfect moms flit around us each day.

We watch the perfect ones that stroll out of Red Robin with a smile on their face, the motivated ones that jog in the mornings while pushing their children. The ones with the well-behaved children that all have on matching outfits and their hair done perfectly. We watch the perfect Moms in the pew in front of us with the children who sit quietly and listen to the speakers. We see the image of perfection all around us as we peruse Pinterest and learn how to organize better and cook 10,000 freezer meals that only cost 37 cents a meal. In all this we see what we want to see, and perhaps what we are lacking. We see how organized someone is now, but what we don’t know is where they came from and how much effort it took to get there.  We focus on this image of what perfection is and when we utterly and most surely fail, we beat ourselves up.

I have been reading a book by Amy Wilson, titled, When Did I Get Like This?  She says, “Most of us mothers are far too wrapped up in our own guilt to judge anyone else, too certain that everyone else is doing better than we are to look askance at a neighbor’s choices. We are sure other mothers are judging us because, well, they must be, when we suck so exceptionally. But we are our own worst enemies. If nearly all of us have these daily moments of doubt, these nagging fears of failure, the ones we are hardest on are ourselves.”

 “There is always a way to fall short, and so there is always a corner of my brain reverberating: you are a failure.”

I haven’t got this whole thing figured out. I find myself lacking in multiple ways each day. I watch the women around me that mother so effortlessly and radiate happiness while they do it. I have concluded that that will never be me. Loving my kids comes easy. If only love was the only thing it took to raise a child. Everything else I will struggle with and find inadequacies daily, but each day I’ll try to be better, and each day I’ll try to lay the guilt aside so that I can truly move forward and not be stuck.  I will remind myself that although I see people like my husband (and the women strolling out of Red Robin) as mythical creatures, that he has other things he struggles with that come easily to me.  Different things come naturally to each of us. Let us strive to not get caught in the guilt of the things that don’t.

Now I must go make dinner, do some more laundry, and pull some weeds. I’ll play some ball with the kids and hopefully at the end of this day they know their mom loves them…even though she’s not perfect.

Ether 12:27   And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.