What No One Told Me

Every other weekend two great moments happen. The first moment is the minute my kids leave to go with their dad for the weekend and my house is silent. I can hear the clock ticking and a peaceful calm surrounds me.  It’s time to take care of myself and have no worries or responsibilities. The second moment is that minute when my kids walk back through the door. My empty house is once again filled with chaos, craziness, love, and hugs.

From the outside looking in it appears to be a great setup having your kids gone every other weekend. I don’t disagree with that but what no one told me is that the worry never really goes away. You see when they aren’t with me I’m not responsible for them. I have no say in what they can and cannot do. I forfeit my control every time they walk out that door. I have to have faith, a lot of prayers and accept the fact that my way isn’t the only way. I have to accept that someone else has an influence in their life and I have to allow that to happen. What no one told me is how much I would love my kids. A few years ago I would dare say I was not the mom I would have liked to be. I was consumed with my own feelings and problems. I didn’t give my kids the attention they needed and deserved. My relationships with them are so different now than they used to be. We have conversations that we have never had before. We talk about how blessed we are to have each other, how we stick together as a family, and how people that make different choices than us are not bad people….just different. I pray that they are learning compassion, and things that will help them reach out to other people when they see a need. I watch them have inner conflicts as they go from house to house and try to sort out their own emotions. I watch them come to me with concerns that need discussed and excitement about things happening in their lives. No one told me how amazing it would be to watch my children transform. It’s incredible to watch kids grow and learn and to watch them come through with flying colors. There is nothing better than when an outsider says to me, “Your kids seem so happy and seem to be doing so well.” As a mom I can see the changes that take place each day but when other people take notice it is extra sweet. No one told me how much I would cherish FAMILY TIME. This time has taken on a new meaning as we spend time together and enjoy each other’s company. The future holds endless possibilities and we are excited as we make goals and plans to do things as a family. You know that feeling you have when you've been gone on a long trip? You can’t wait to get home, and you’re so glad to see your kids after a long time away! It's the feeling that helps you appreciate what you have and to remember how blessed you are. What no one told me is that I would be so blessed to be able to experience that feeling every other weekend. I get to remember each time my kids walk in and out my door how much I love them. I never have a chance to take them for granted because I am constantly reminded of how much I love them every time they are away from me.  

No one told me any of these things, but I’ve figured them out on my own. I’ve wrestled with emotions, I’ve cried endless tears, and had a heavy heart. I have also felt joy, been proud of my kids, been stronger than ever myself, and have more love in my home than I ever imagined possible. What an amazing thing it is to look back at life, at lessons that have been learned, and at progress that has been made. I'm so excited for more change, growth, and happiness to come!

Reading Rituals

So I know the word ritual is accompanied by thoughts of cults or crazy people, but in my Media class we had to write a paper on rituals that we participate in with the media. It was very eye opening to notice these "rituals" if you will, that we all participate in daily. There's the weekly shows we must TIVO, the Netflix that goes on every night to wind down, the basketball games that bring men together to shout and place bets. The magazines at the checkout stands that draw us in as we wait in long lines. I originally was going to write my paper about my families obsession with Netflix. (It's official, we can't live without it!) But then I thought of something a little more meaningful, something I hadn't really ever thought about until it just spilled upon my paper as I wrote it. So here's my paper on "media rituals", I thought it was worth sharing. (And yes, I got an A. :)

Reading is one of my great loves. It is something that gratefully was passed down from my dad. From the time I can remember I would read whatever I could get my hands on. When I was young it was the Baby-Sitter Club series, when I was in my twenties it was LDS fiction, then I moved on to Mary Higgins Clark mysteries, and controversial Jodi Picoult novels. Somewhere along the way I even started to enjoy self-help books.

Reading in itself seems to be a solitary experience and for most I suppose it is. For me now and growing up it was much more than that. It became a social interaction between me and those that I loved. My dad’s idea of a good time was to wander Barnes and Noble for hours. He’d come home with a pile of books every time. When I was younger I only remember him buying huge biographies about people, and books about ancient scripture; things that seemed completely snooze worthy. Now when I visit home I see fantasy and science fiction books lying all over the place.

Growing up I can always remember my dad asking me what I was reading. I would reluctantly tell him the title and what it was about. He would flip through it and scan the pages. I never really knew if it was because he was really interested or if he was just making sure it was appropriate. Now that I do the same thing with my daughter I realize that it is both. She has also inherited a love for books and always has at least one lying around.

For as long as I can remember reading has been my night time ritual. It is my escape, my relaxation, and my enjoyment. There is nothing better to me than a good book. I recall my childhood room and laying in bed reading at night. Besides being an avid reader I am also addicted to candy. Lying in bed with a book and something sweet to eat is the story of my life. When I was a little girl I remember the jolly rancher wrappers all over the floor when I was done, the occasional Doritos bag, and Chick-o-Sticks. I’d walk to Ben Franklin and spend my change on candy for my reading time.  Somehow food and reading perfectly complements each other for a sublime experience.

As I got older the world discovered Harry Potter and this contributed to the social aspect of my families reading habits. All of the sudden everyone was reading the same book. We were asking each other what part of the book we were on, and then there was my Dad. He didn’t revel in a book and take his time, he plowed through it! I didn’t live at home during the Harry Potter frenzy, but I know my Dad would buy the book and no one could touch it until he was done reading it. Luckily for my brother and sister that usually only took a day. By the time the last few books had come out they would just pre-order two or three.

When I would see my family we would talk about the books. Whether we liked it or not, what we think about the ending, what we think will happen next, and so on and so forth. My dad was the ultimate critic and I would usually walk away thinking about a book a little more carefully than I had at first. Later the Fablehaven series came out, and the conversation would be about that. I can recall going home and talking to my dad about the latest book and when the next one was coming out. 

Then there were the movies, the DREADFUL movies that would try to retell the stories in our beloved books. There were the Harry Potter movies, and Twilight, none of which accurately captured the books. My family then would pick apart the movies piece by piece. What was left out, what was different, and what could have been done to make it better.  Now we anxiously await the Hunger Games movie and hope that it can capture the story that was told.

My dad and I don’t often find a whole lot to talk about but books are something we share a love for. As he has become ill in the past few years I realize that this love for reading is something I will always treasure because of him and it will be something that will always live on after he is gone. It has shown me what I can create in my family and share with my children. It is something that has created a bond through those of us who love to read. It is a family ritual that has brought us together while also being done in solitude.

Although I have to search a lot harder now for time to read it is still one of my favorite things. Knowing that I can curl up in a blanket and read a good book is something that is very comfortable and familiar to me. Wherever a book can take me is where my imagination will go. And as long as there is something sweet, salty, or crunchy to eat next to me then life is good.